D Day!!!

And I’m not speaking of December 7^th!!

Well the countdown is on. My D-day is what I refer to as my divorce final date.  This particular D-day and let us hope and pray this is the only one for this here lady, is set for court for October 2^nd 2012. This is just three days shy of what would have been my five year anniversary.

Sad, yes. Lonely, yes. Heartbroken, yes. Sacred, I’d be lying if I said yes. It’s really to death!!

This has been a complete learning experience and a growing one for me. These were not my plans when I set out 12 years ago and decided to live on my own and make a life for myself. Anyone can tell you that has been through a divorce that it is a painful process.  Anyone that tells you otherwise is lying to themselves and to you!

I never understood how people could simply just fall apart and out of love with each other. To be honest, I still don’t understand it. But therein lies the lesson for me. Not everything is meant to be understood in this life. Not everything is as it seems with everything and nothing and I mean nothing is guaranteed forever.

I know the hardest part of this, for me and I’m sure some would agree is simply the task of letting it go.  Letting go of the resentment and anger and frustration that I couldn’t make something work out and that I failed. I failed myself, my husband (soon ex), failed my daughter, failed my family and failed my friends.  But we have to realize that failure is God’s way of saying too us, look this isn’t right, this just can’t be. My plan for you did not entail this to happen forever but to show you another way to be, to be a lesson and to show you to be a better person.

My new Ink to help remind me to do this when needed!!

Truth be told, do I understand this? Completely, no, I still have my own demons and issues to work out and to discover who and what I want to be.  I can tell you I’ve learned you do learn very quickly who your “real” friends are. You learn very quickly the true meaning of love and what you need in your life to have that true love. You learn too to build walls and set good boundaries and goals for yourself.  You learn, “Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter” ~Dr. Suess

I hope to take away a great lesson and become a stronger better person. Not that I consider myself a bad person, just a better version of who I am and who I want to be. I hope to be an impeccable mother, as mine was, and have my daughter as a best friend as my mother is mine.  To learn to forgive but never forget those scars that appear on my heart forever and always.  Trust and love again, as I too deserve to be happy and to be loved by someone who really just simply thinks the sun shines right out of my ass!! J

 

I would like to extend anyone that is or maybe facing divorce to discover the following information and possibly gain some help and knowledge from them.  They sure helped me!!

Website - http://www.divorcecare.org/

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery: 101 Stories about Surviving and Thriving after Divorce

Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen , Patty Hansen

When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself

W. Keith Campbell

Letting Go of Anger: How to Get Your Emotions Under Control 

Annie Chapman

Annie ChapmanForgiving the Unforgivable

David Stoop

Chicken Soup for the Single Parent's Soul: Stories of Hope, Healing and Humor

Jack Canfield 

Are you an author? Learn about

 Mark Victor Hansen, Laurie Hartman , Nancy Vogl

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)

Don Miguel Ruiz

Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change

Robin NorwoodRobin Norwood (Author)

› Visit Amazon's Robin Norwood Page

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Repeat....again...and again...and again...

Ever wonder how long you can actually say something over and over again? Have kids? I feel like sometimes I should just record my voice and have it play all day long all over the house. It would save my voice and throat in the long run. 

But I guess an essential part of learning is having to hear things over and over again.  To make those mistakes and hear the same thing over and over again to make sure you got it clear.  You would think this was for only children but I have been paying more attention to repetition of adults lately. Seems we sometimes too need to hear the same things over and over again. Example: I love you.  No human being is ever going to go anywhere or be a better person without ever hearing or knowing someone in this vast world loves them.  The human way is to know love and it is the greatest emotion the human race can experience.   We seen so much time and not even money looking for it.  With online dating sites and Facebook, the possibilities are endless.

Sometimes we can't help but repeat what we're feeling.  It makes us feel better. Sometimes dealing with anger we repeat over and over again the whys until the ultimate feeling of letting go is achieved. No one really knows how long it takes to continuously hear the answers or to hear the opinions of those before they "learn" the desired out come. And this is different per human being. I know plenty of persons that can let go and be done with a situation or even another person at the drop of a hat.

Whatever your situation or mantra, as with my daughter... sometimes it takes a few repeats to get it right!

Older ... 2.2.11

As of today I have attended about three doctor’s offices in the last two weeks…. Not that I’m complaining I made the appointments and actually do like my doctors.  It just amazes me that when something falls apart… it all seems to fall at the same time.  The coincidences of life and the way things happen really can make you wonder what the heck did I just do?!

The conversation with my last Dr. was, to say the least, interesting.  I wanted to do one of those V8 moments.  You know where you hit em’ on the forehead in a duh uh moment. After listing out and giving him my problems he states to me, very calmly, “Mrs. Marvin, I believe we’re dealing with depression, anxiety and just an overall stressful situation”.  Enter here the knock on the head for the V8 moment. I’m sure the look on my face was well not sh**!  Anyway, we proceeded to go through a list of medications that could ultimately help with the overall anxiety and maybe help calm things down a little.  With each drug listed there were side affects.  Now I know you’ve seen the commercials.  You know with the calming voice over all these happy people dancing around and living life, well in a commercial, telling you how great this is but then this extremely long list of side affects that could be mild and should be taken into consideration.

At this point I’m wondering if I should just jump off the bridge.  Because at this point I’m bad but if my condition is exacerbated by these drugs I’m gonna jump off the bridge anyway….

After we choose one along with another to help sudden bursts of panic attacks, I’m given the instructions on how to take and what to look for.  I now feel like I should be strapped to my chair and monitored by one of those babysitter bears.  It could be broadcasted over the internet so my friends can check on me through out the day.  

I leave the Dr’s office now with Rx’s in hand, material to read and my mind racing harder than it was before.  I begin to realize how powerful the human mind really is.  Now my tone here is sarcastic and my humor is dry (that’s Scott DuMars in me) but do know that depression and the issues surrounding the mind should never be taken lightly and when you know you are at that point of needing help, it takes courage to step forward. This should be admired and not mocked.  After all we are all only human, full of mistakes and errors. Like a computer, sometimes someone else rebooting and recharging us with new ideas and points of view are all that we may need.

I will state here I know how lucky I am. I know how much I am loved and how much support I do have. Support from parents, friends and even grandparents. Through the love of a daughter a love that will never amount to anything anyone could ever try to give me.

A co worker of my husband had an aunt who killed her self over the weekend.  It was sort of close to home. This jolted the entire being of everyone who knew her. Now of course there are opinions from everyone and of course comments from all sorts of feelings on this matter.  My husband even made a comment that made me stand back a little and look him over again.  I can tell you too the funeral of a suicide is not anything like another. Not that any are pleasant, these just seem different, and people seem so distant and more wondering of what ifs.

Just take this from whatever happens in your day.  Pain is always inevitable suffering is not.  Release your negative and work to move forward.  Always greet everyone with a smile for you never know what it might help them see. You cannot control everything and what you can make sure you control for yourself.  And never strive for anything but to be happy.

“Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You! Go to work, do your best, don't artoutsm your common since Never let your prayin knees get lazy And love like crazy” – Lee Brice